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你知道最近流行的“FML”什么意思吗？能看完算你牛！
最近在有些论坛上经常会流传这么一个缩写FML，可能很多人还不知道这到底是个什么意思是什么英文单词的缩写。其实FML的意思是Fuck My Life，翻译成中文就是我操蛋的人生，通俗的说法就是中文的我操。其实起因是因为国外有个类似中国分享秘密的网站，上面都是网友写的自己生活中遇到的糗事或者操蛋的事情。现在给大家精选一些让大家一起分享，能看完算你NB...Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML　　今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML　　Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML　　今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML　　Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML　　今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML　　Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML　　今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML　　Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed &Yes Brittany!& at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML　　今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML　　Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML　　今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML　　Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant. FML　　今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML　　Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML　　今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML　　Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, &Beat ya!& She's thirteen. FML　　今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FMLToday, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML　　今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML　　Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said &I'm pretending to be mommy from last night.& I was on a business trip last night. FML　　今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML　　Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML　　今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML　　Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML　　今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML　　Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML　　今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML　　Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML　　今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML　　Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML　　今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML　　Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML　　今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML　　Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, &soon, this will be plump with my seed.& FML　　今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML　　Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered &ooh this is so romantic.& He blurted out shocked, &Oh.you're awake?!& FML　　今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML　　Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML　　今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML　　Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML　　今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FMLToday, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, &I got your best friend pregnant&. FML　　今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML　　Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed &neither& to &nigger.& I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML　　今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML　　今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML　　Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML　　今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML　　Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML　　今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML　　Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me &Stop!& The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML　　今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML　　Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML　　今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML　　Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML　　今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML　　Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML　　今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML　　Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said &Bermuda, 1989&. They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML　　今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在*做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML　　Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML　　今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML　　Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said &Do you believe in Jesus?& FML　　今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FMLToday, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML　　应该是　　今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML　　Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML　　今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗　　Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily &who comes to this city without money?& I replied &apparently, you do.& Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM　　今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？ 我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML　　Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, &because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn.& Instead of encouraging me, she said, &Well, at least you're honest.& FML　　今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML　　Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say &go get it.& Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML　　今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML　　Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, &Keep it safe kids!&. FML　　今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML　　Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML　　今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML　　Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML　　今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML　　Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML　　今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML　　Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML　　今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML　　Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said &I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom.& Ray is my new step dad. FML　　今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML　　Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said &oh, look at the time, I gotta get home&. She wasn't wearing a watch. FML　　今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML　　Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML　　今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML　　Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML　　今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML　　Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, &I want my prize on the kitchen table!& It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML　　今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML　　Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML　　今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML　　Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML　　今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML　　Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML　　今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML　　Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, &If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?& His response, &Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?& He was hard, for ice cream. FML　　今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML　　Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking &What are you doing?& Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, &Zoe. I'm doing Zoe.& FML　　今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML　　Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML　　今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML　　Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML　　今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML　　Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML　　今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML　　Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML　　今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don’t want to break up, my phone battery died. FML　　　　今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML　　　　　　102、Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML　　　　今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML　　　　　　103、Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, &Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean.& He replied by saying, &Your eyes are so brown... like my shit&. FML　　　　今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML 　　　　　　104、Today, my hunband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML　　　　今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML　　　　105、Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first ’mouth’ to ever touch it. FML　　　　今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML　　　　　　106、Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent ＄1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML　　　　今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML　　　　　　107、Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: &I won’t need this as long as I have you!& His reply: &That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.& FML　　　　今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”FML　　　　　　108、Today, my wife has been singing &I can’t get no satisfaction& by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML　　　　今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML　　　　　　109、Today, I went to my son’s soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my hunband took later that night. His friend asked, &Who is that?& and my son replied, &I don’t know some fat bitch.& FML　　　　今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥Biao子。”FML　　　　　　110、Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, &What does he like?& I’m straight. My parents thought different. FML　　　　今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FMLToday, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn’t like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML　　　　今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML　　　　　　112、Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me &oh I have birthday present for you.& She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML　　　　今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML　　　　113、Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We’re lenbians. FML　　　　今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML　　　　　　114、Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor’s new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML　　　　今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML　　115、Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door &Are you jacking off in there or something?!& and him scream back at her &Shut up you f***inag cunt!& My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML　　　　今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML　　　　　　116、Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, &what would happen to me if you and daddy died?&. I told her that she’d probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said &You guys can die. I won’t cry. I get everything I want over there.& FML　　　　今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML　　　　117、Today, my girlfriend’s friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn’t tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML　　　　今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML　　　　　　118、Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend’s dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML　　　　今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FMLToday, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door &Are you jacking off in there or something?!& and him scream back at her &Shut up you f***inag cunt!& My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML　　　　今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML　　　　　　116、Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, &what would happen to me if you and daddy died?&. I told her that she’d probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said &You guys can die. I won’t cry. I get everything I want over there.& FML　　　　今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML　　　　117、Today, my girlfriend’s friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn’t tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML　　　　今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML　　　　　　118、Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend’s dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML　　　　今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML131、Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn’t assume he was cheating until he saw me and said &I won’t tell if you don’t tell, please don’t tell your mother&. FML　　　　今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML　　　　　　132、Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend ＄20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML　　　　今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML　　　　　　133、Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : &Trying to lose your virginity.& FML　　　　今天，在做医学院申请的时候，我问了我妈她认为我目前为止生活中遇到的最大挑战是什么。她回答：“试着破处。”FML　　　　　　134、 Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML　　　　今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML 　　　　　　135、Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I’ve had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn’t a girl. FML　　　　今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML　　　　136、Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice &Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?& FML　　　　今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML　　　　　　137、Today, I got hypnotized at my school’s variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML　　　　今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML　　　　　　138、Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML　　　　今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片是6年前拍的；那时候我还是个很漂亮可爱的小模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML　　　　139、Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be &The Talk& (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, &Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I’ll kill you and the baby.& FML　　　　今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML　　　　　　140、Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML　　　　今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上做爱做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML144、Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he’s been cheating on me. With his ex. FML　　　　今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML　　　　　　145、Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lenbian. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML　　　　今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML　　　　　　146、Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML　　　　今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML　　　　　　147、Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride’s mother to f*** off. FML　　　　今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句NMLGB。FML　　　　　　148、Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn’t my own. FML　　　　今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML　　　　149、Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML　　　　今天，我走向我的女朋友家，正好碰到了她那可怕的海军陆战队老爸向我扔橄榄球。我不是很擅长运动，于是我接住了那球的时候我自己也吓了一跳。他向我示意扔回去，然后我就眼睁睁地看着橄榄球疯狂地旋转着向左面飞去，正中我女朋友的妈妈的脸。FML　　　　　　150、Today, I woke up happier than I’ve ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML　　　　今天，我一辈子从没这么高兴过地从睡梦中醒来，因为昨天晚上我和我暗恋了将近一年的女孩好上了，而我以前一直以为我没机会。今天早上，我看到她facebook上的“状态”是“FML”。FMLToday, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled &Who’s this bitch!?& It turns out she’s his half sister. FML　　　　今天我朋友打电话给我说我男朋友正在和另一个女人吃晚饭.我立马赶到发现他们正交谈正欢.我赏了他一巴掌,大喊的问他这个贱人是谁.结果是他妹妹.　　155. Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying &I didn’t wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this.& FML　　　　今天,我在一个我挺喜欢的人的家里参加party.我们正在就国际形势交换意见的时候他把我拉到了他的房间.我的小心脏砰砰的,以为他终于要和我进行更深一步的交流了.结果他拿出一个除臭棒告我说:&在走廊的时候我本来不想说的,但是你确实需要这个.&FML　　　　156. Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML　　　　今天,我邀请那个我爱的女孩出去约会.她却问我的名字是什么.FML　　　　157. Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, &Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??& Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML　　　　今天我最好的朋友给我组织了次相亲.当我和那小子一见面他就说要出去打个电话.就在我们坐的桌子旁边几步远,我听到他在电话里说:&拜托,贾斯汀.这就是你给我介绍的美女?&贾斯汀就是那个组织我们相亲的那个孙子.FML　　　　158. Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. Less than two minutes later, he decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. After I had already said yes. FML　　　　今天,我那交往了两年的男朋友向我求婚.一分钟之后他就反悔说他那柔弱的肩膀不能承受婚姻之重.而我已经答应了他的求婚.FML　　　　159. Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML　　　　今天我花了80刀去换掉我的手机号码因为我发现我的前女友跟踪我.为了通知我的朋友我换了号码,我给我电话簿里的所有人群发了短信,其中包括我的前女友.FML　　　　160. Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, &That motherfucker broke up with me!& My now ex-boyfriend replied, &Yeah, I know I did.& FML　　今天我的男朋友打电话给我说分手.一挂掉电话我就开始痛哭.于是我就打电话给我最好的朋友,一接通我就喊:&那个混蛋甩了我.&我的男友,准确的说是前男友回答说:&是的,我知道我甩了你.&
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