by Eric Charles
I read your “” post (very helpful!), but my question is:
Can you help me decode signs a guy doesn’t like me?
There’s this guy I really like from work. We’ve talked a few times – he’s really cute. To be honest, I have a total crush on him!
Problem is, he’s been more stand-offish lately and I’m afraid I blew it, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. Can you let me know common ways to tell if a guy isn’t interested?
I haven’t had a crush in a while. Count yourself lucky – it’s nice to have crushes.
Stand-offish isn’t exactly a promising sign, but who knows? Let’s go through the checklist of ten ways to tell a guy is not into you:
1. He’s not around you.
This is the biggest sign of whether or not a guy is into you. If he’s not into you, he won’t be “around.”
It’s funny – guys will act 100 different ways around the girl they like… they’ll even completely ignore her! Or tease her. Or be annoying.
But if they’re into her, it’s not a matter of how they’re acting. It’s the fact that one way or another, they always just seem to be acting that way around her.
He’ll find reasons to be close to you. He’ll always just seem to end up in the same parts of the room as you.
You may not have noticed it before, but once you start paying attention you’ll completely notice it. And if you don’t see that tending to happen with this guy, it’s a sign he does not like you.
2. He talks to you about being interested in other girls comfortably.
So maybe you and him talk on a regular basis. If he talks to you about other girls, or a relationship with a girl, casually and comfortably, that’s a likely sign he’s not into you (in a romantic sense, at least).
Now, a guy might talk about how another girl is hot randomly, and sometimes that can be innocent. However, if you notice that he not only talks about other girls, but talks about liking a girl on more than just a physical level, or wanting to date her, then that’s a very clear sign he’s not interested in you.
3. He has no interest in talking to you.
This is plain enough. If he doesn’t have an interest in talking to you, it’s pretty much a given that he’s not interested.
But don’t assume he’s not interested based on something like him not texting you back immediately. Guys and their
can be tricky, and you can’t use that to assess his level of interest.
If he has ample opportunity to talk to you and never acts on it, that’s a sign he’s not interested. On that same note, if you talk to him and he always finds a way to stop talking to you, or always lets the conversation fizzle out and die, then it’s very likely a sign he doesn’t like you in a romantic sense.
4. His body language/general behavior.
Negative body language cues include: avoiding eye contact, positioning his body away from you, not engaging in the conversation (non-verbal signs of this are him not smiling while talking to you, or not nodding and showing active interest in what you’re saying), maintaining distance from you, looking around the room while talking to you… It’s usually pretty obvious when someone isn’t focused on you.
If he does any of these things, he most likely isn’t interested. There’s enough
stuff out there that beats those points into the ground, so I’m not going to spend time talking about body language.
5. He’s always busy. No rain check. He sets up dates last minute, he keeps rescheduling, he flakes constantly on you – if any of this sounds familiar, he’s not that into you (as they say). Missing a date or two is one thing, but if this is a regular occurrence then it becomes telling. A guy will make the time for a girl he’s interested in. Period.
6. There’s no difference between how he talks to you vs. other friends. Casual tone of voice. When a guy is interested in a girl, there’s always a slight difference in the way he interacts with her. It may be subtle, but you’ll notice it. He’ll have some special way of talking to her, or extend some special kind of attention to her that he doesn’t generally extend.
The best thing you can do to tell if a guy likes you is pay close attention to how he interacts with others in general. Which brings me to my next point…
with you… but he flirts with everyone else, too. This is where I see a lot of girls get confused. They get all wound up because some guy totally swept them off their feet. He got her number, they had a charming conversation, she texts him and…
Nothing! Where did he go?
The problem is this particular guy flirts with every girl. That’s just his way of being.
In fact, I used to have a habit of calling girls pet names like sweetheart, “hun,” and stuff like that. I thought it was affectionate and nice, but I meant it in a platonic way.
I didn’t realize it, but I ended up leading girls on and they took it to mean I was into them and started crushing back on me. I honestly wasn’t talking to them this way to be flirtatious, but it came off that way.
I learned my lesson, and the lesson I want to impart here is that you have to pay attention to how the guy interacts with others in general, not just with you.
8. He’s a friendly, outgoing guy in general. Similar to above. Pay attention to how he interacts with others.
9. He doesn’t talk about feelings, doesn’t say “I love you,” or says he’s “not sure what he feels” (a.k.a. I know what I feel and you would not respond well if I told you).
This is more in the realm of , but I figure it’s worth mentioning here.
If you’re dating, or “seeing,” a guy and it’s been going on for several months, the common warning sign that he’s not really invested is if he doesn’t share his true feelings with you.
This isn’t exactly a … (continued – Click to keep reading )
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[12&Jan&2008|03:25pm]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP
[02&Jul&2007|01:04am]
I passed both of my summer classes with C's. I kept saying that all I wanted was to pass these classes because they were both tough ones that I put off until the very last minute but of course I always want to do better than C's...as I was writing this, Roy called. It is now 2:16am and I just got back from a short ride with him. After spending a little bit of time him trying to convince me to continue with my residency petition, we decided to go to the K with a circle around it. His car battery was dead and it was amusing to try to push start it. God I love him.We leave for MA in less than 12 hours.I have counseling at 11am.I should get some sleep so I'm not too cranky.
[29&May&2007|09:16am]
driving homeseveral tornadoesstarted clearing a spot for my familyknew of lots of brothers and sisterskayla showed up firstthen davidthen my momno one elsethe four of us collected batteries, flashlights, etchide in basementbaseball helmetsscaredtrying to protect themlinda showed up, unafraidno more tornadoesa picture of her in a bikini on myspace bulletinwoke up
[09&May&2007|01:31pm]
I have gotten a lot accomplished in the last few days.First, and most importantly, I talked to Kiera for 2 hours last night... we laughed like lebonese giggle bunnies and it was awesome. "There's movement!" *click*I also called the registrars office and found out that it takes 15 days to process petition packets. Meaning I should hear from them early next week about whether or not I am considered an Arizona resident. Fingers crossed!!After calling the doctor a couple times, I decided just to stop by the office. I set up an appointment for my injection but beforehand I need to finish my ahcccs application.My social work 494 professor e-mailed me and asked to meet with me today. I met with her for lunch and after talking for a while, she said she would give me the B. I'm really excited and thankfulxamillion that she met with me. That's awesome.There are about a million more of these little but extremely important things going on. I'm still not feeling great and have missed a lot more work than I would like to have, but I will also talk to them today and make sure everything is okay and figure out a summer schedule. (fingers crossed!)Chris is going to bring me to the store because I need to buy a lot more calcium shakes. I'm thinking my low intake may be making me tired? I don't know, I'm not a doctor.Sotired.I am so thankful school is over.
[27&Apr&2007|12:23am]
And another update.Just yesterday Maria talked about wanting her own place. Initially I was offended, but then I had time to think about it... and I want my own place too.I want to come home to a quiet place. I want to lay on my couch and watch my tv, in a room decorated with my curtains, pictures, flowers, and candles.I want to cook a delicious dinner and eat it on a dining room table, with nice plates and silver silverware! I want to do dishes whenever I please and not worry about who is bothered by them.I want to walk into a room that smells like a fruity air freshener instead of coming home to something rotten in the garbage.I want to paint my walls and not worry about who sees it.I want ducks in my bathroom!I want enough room for storage containers.I want to have wine coolers in my refridgerator.But more than anything, I want to come home to a quiet place.... I really don't even like it here.
[26&Apr&2007|11:49pm]
I am really scared about all of these medical problems I've been having recently. Just about two months ago was when I had the collapse and actually felt bad enough to go to the clinic. The one visit and two medications they gave me cost over a hundred dollars. I can't afford to go through that again. But, since last Monday, I cannot make it through a day without pain. The pain is somewhat different from day to day. At first, I was just exhausted from all the nightmares waking me up. Being tired led to headaches. The headache led to more sleeping which led to more nightmares. Since then, there have been times when my body feels like it's on fire and I get really bad stomach pain. Today was the worst day this week, waking up and having head and stomach pains. I tried to eat and then went back to sleep, only to have another nightmare and wake up sweating. This is not getting better, it's actually getting worse and I don't know what I should do. I talked to my mom and dad about it and they both said it sounds stress related and I just need to learn how to relax. Take tylenol for the headaches, get enough sleep, and then go on living your life. That's what I tried to do today. Once I took medicine, I got up and showered and went to both class and the rha bash. I felt okay throughout it all but now I'm home and the pains are back. My mom said that for the next few nights I should take the codine I have and get good sleep... but tomorrow is the relay for life. 7pm-7am. I don't know if I can do it, but I don't want to let my friends down.I also have to work tomorrow, 9-5 in the office. Hopefully I'll get all my work done. I need to finish my residency packet so I can get my ass down to Tempe to have it notirized. Then there's also the health insurance packet and all of the work I have for my classes. AhhhhhSo, I am stressed... but does stress seriously cause all of these problems?I'm going to try to work through finals and then see what happens.
[13&Apr&2007|03:12pm]
Fax machines..............are awesome.My mom just sent me a bunch of forms that I needed. 3,000 miles in approximately 3 seconds.I wish I could fax myself.
[07&Apr&2007|11:00am]
Three days a week, I work in the TRiO office and it's the most boring job anyone could ever imagine. However, I work with amazing people who make the time pass a bit faster. Yesterday I was scheduled 9-5, but Roy had slept over the night before and 8:30am rolled around and I still hadn't gotten in the shower. I called the office and said I was going to be a little late, no problem.I got to work at about 9:20am and sat at my computer refreshing my myspace homepage for approximately 2 hours. Around 11, Wanda sent me on an adventure. 11:30am, back in the office. Back at my desk, back on myspace. I sat at the computer for about another two hours refreshing my myspace home page. Around 1pm, I recieved a call from Sarah that she would like to pick up the SSWO books, and I told her I would meet her at 1:30pm back at the dorms. At 1:30pm, I took my lunch break. I went to meet Sarah and helped her figure out how to transport all the books. Then, I ate. Then, I wasted time taking to Stacy and Kim. Maria came down, and she was headed to TRiO, so I decided it would be the perfect time to get back to work. 2:30pm, back at my computer, refreshing my myspace home page.Around 3:00pm, Sharon (my boss) actually had a project for me! I spent about a half hour designing graduation certificates and then about another half hour testing them out on different kinds of paper, all the while talking to Maria and Katie. At 4:00pm, Sharon called me in to her office. UH-OH.I'll admit, I was a little scared. For the first several weeks that I worked in TRiO, I would stroll into work 15-30 minutes late every day. However, for the last two weeks I had been trying so hard to make it there on time!! But I'm not a morning person!!! I had slipped up and been 20 minutes late ONCE in TWO weeks... and I'm going to get fired??! Jordan has been a no call/no show for three days in a row!!!Sharon did ask me if I was working to many hours, and if I needed to cut back... maybe come in an hour later or leave early. No. No. No. It's not to much. I'm just adjusting to mornings. School comes first, we want you to do well. I know. I'm trying. It's been a hard semester.NO!!!! WHY DID I SAY THAT?!!!!Sharon asks 3254346 questions no matter what, but that was handing her question cards and asking her to interigate me. For the next hour and 15 minutes, we talked about EVERYTHING that I've been stressing, worrying, thinking, questioning over the last few weeks.In a nutshell, here's what she said.You are giving up because you're exhausted from trying so hard for two years.If you wanted to leave, you would be packed up.If you wanted to leave, you would have a ticket for May 16.If you wanted to leave, you wouldn't stay here for the summer.If you wanted to leave, your winter clothes would already be shipped.If you wanted to leave, you'd have a plan.You don't want to leave.You're just tired.College is hard, but you've come this far.I want to help you.Let's meet once a week to talk.I'll help you with your residency application.We'll make this work.You don't want to leave.There's a reason you left Massachusetts in the first place.You've built a family out here.
[04&Apr&2007|01:02pm]
Seriously.Could.Not.Ask.For.More.lovelovelvoelovellveovleovelvoelveolooooveeeeeeee
[02&Apr&2007|10:17pm]
With everything that's happening in my life, he still makes me smile and sing:)... he's going to meet my family! AH!
[01&Apr&2007|03:13pm]
I'm having the same internal conflict that I can recall having five times already in the last year and 8 months. A YEAR AND 8 MONTHS -- still have trouble believing that I've lived in Arizona for that long already. OMG I need to move back.I'm completely overwhelmed with sadness today. It really hit me when I was talking to Kiera. We were just talking like we always do, complaining, gossiping, giggling... and then all of this just poured out. All of these concerns and fears that I have building up in my mind.I'm approximately $40,000 in debt already.I am poor as fuck.Withdrew from another class.Not enrolled as a full time student anymore.Probably won't get the RA job again.Cannot afford to live in dorms without job.Cannot enroll in fall classes.Have 10 credit hours for summer.Out of state tuition.No car.Do not get along with roommates.I miss my family.
[29&Mar&2007|11:23pm]
I am in the strangest relationship. I met him long before I ever noticed that he existed, he was just some guy that Maria was friends with. I didn't care to know anything else about him. My lack of interest was primarily because there was no initial physical attraction and I hated the idea of ever getting close and especcially having a relationship with someone who lived in the dorms.Even once I started to notice him a little more, when he was around the apartment hanging out with my roommates, I never cared to spend more time with him than needed. The first time we ever had a conversation, I was upset and dying for Jeremy to get here and take my mind off the hurt I was feeling, so my focus was not on him. It was after that when we began to talk more, he downloaded a few OC episodes and the first time we ever hung out alone was watching them. Who would have thought that the OC would become such a big part of our relationship.I don't know, I think about how we ended up together, and we've talked about it a few times, and it's just so odd. I had no idea that while I was visiting MA in November and he was in the hospital that I would worry and miss him as much as I did. From there it's just developed... it's developed into the most sincere love.Honestly, I've never felt this way before. I was completely head over heels in love with Kevin throughout our entire high school career. I loved him with my whole soul, but there was so much anger and jealousy that I confused it with passion. As true of a love that I had for Kevin, it doesn't even compare to how I feel now.It's different with Roy, it's so sincere. There hasn't been a moment in the last four months that I doubted how I feel about him. There have been moments when he's ticked me off, but even then I'm absolutely certain that the love I have for him is enough to get us through it. It's really strange though...
[10&Mar&2007|12:02pm]
Haven't posted in a while, the last week of school was just absolute hell. I was stressed out because of final projects, midterms, and a final exam. I spent so much time doing school work, and working at TRiO and I'm just so thankful that it's over... and that it's spring break!!Yesterday was the longest travel day ever. Roy and I left for the Phoenix airport at 1:30pm because our flight was at 3:30pm. We were flying to Nashville and it was the best flight ever. I've always been one to fly solo so it was a change to be sitting next to someone that I knew and enjoyed. We landed in Nashville at 8pm and were to catch our connection flight at 8:40pm. Unfortunately, due to unusual circumstances (Roy having online hw to do, airport internet, etc. etc.) we didn't get to board with the A group and ended up being the last two people on the plane. Southwest has the open seating policy so we didn't get to sit next to each other. I got lucky though, and sat in between a young (hot!) guy from Texas and a much older woman. I chatted pretty much the entire flight so it went by very fast. Roy wasn't as lucky, stuck between two men with bad attitudes, but what can ya do? He was so cute though, jealous of the guy I sat next to.. we landed in Tampa at 11:20Patty and Dave picked us up (!!!) and we had a two hour drive back up to Orlando (Sanford to be more specific) We chatted the entire drive, and when we pulled in to their neighborhood - DAMN! It was late, and thus very dark... but it was beautiful!The house is a decent size, 4 bedrooms, 3 baths. GORGEOUS! The backyard is all screened in. Roy and I watched some OC and went to bed by 3am, but when we woke up this morning... MAN!! Just absolutely beautiful. The weather- perfect. The house- perfect. The bagels-perfect.After hanging out for a few hours, we discovered bikes (or should I say an ancient bicycle and a pimp daddy tricycle!) we went for a bike ride. SO CUTE! AhhhhSo, I was writing this as Roy showered and now he's done so byyyeee
[21&Feb&2007|07:21pm]
How did I end up this way....?? I'm sitting here alone, piles of homework that I really can't begin to focus on, asking everyone I know if they want to hang out and no responses. A loser, ordering pizza and watching the game alone bcause I don't let anyone get to close and so they move on. Vicious cycle, foolish ways.Maria and I had plans tonight. Our plan was to hang out, watch the game, catch up on stuff both hw and each others lives... but then Diego asked her to go to the mall with him. Should this be the way life is? ...I never thought so. Since my break up with Kevin, I've made a concious effort to make sure my friends know that they are number one in my life- always.Speaking of Kevin, he has been texting me all day. Yes, I'm guilty of calling him over the weekend. He didn't answer, why? Most likely because he was with Danielle. It's so frustrating to me that he won't talk to me when he is with her. He can only be my friend when she's not around, when it's convenient for him to talk to me and I'm sick of it! I'm not saying that he should put me before Danielle, but he shouldn't hide our friendship from her. So after sending me about four thousand texts today, I told him to stop. He said he would stop when I answered him. I said I'd answer him when he had something intelligent to say (other than hey sexy pants and other rude suggestive comments) he was "trying to be fun" GROW UP. We bickered for a little, I told him not to expect to recieve more than he's willing to give, and if he's only going to talk to me when it's convenient for him than I'm only going to talk to him when it is convenient for me. He said he was trying to talk now... and I said I'm busy. The end. I'm not busy, but he's stopped nagging which is nice. Why can't I have a nice conversation with him without him being a fucking pervert? It's disgusting and I don't understand how he could treat Danielle that way after how long they've been together.Anyway, here I am alone... I text Chris and asked him if we could talk because I've finally calmed down from our argument on Monday and I wnted to talk. He's doing homework. LOVE how he puts everything off to shoot pool or go out with Crys(love how she's being called that now) but he can't take a little while to patch up our friendship. So over that whole thing, don't think I care too much if we never talk again... DONE trying.Other than that, been texting/calling Les about Maria's bday and haven't heard anything back. She better not be backing out on this because Maria will be so fucking disappointed.After all that bitching, I'll say that Roy is fabulous. We had the most amazing weekend together and I'll never forget it. He does a lot of stuff that really pisses me off- but it's all stuff that we have no prob working through. He did say something the other day, something about not investing too much in people, and it's kind of stayed with me... but I'm slowly getting over it. I have already invested a lot of emotion and time in to this relationship and I want more than anything for it to work. I want a serious commitment, or even love... but sometimes he says things that make me feel like I'll never get that from him in return. Then I question whether or not it's worth wasting my time and feelings... but after much thought, it is. Because in this moment, I am happy and that's all that matters. Even if nothing comes of it, I'll have special memories to cherish and who knows... maybe one day I'll be good enough and he'll fall for me. We'll seeI dyed my hair black(ish) again and now I feel like a sexy beast.Time to call Kiera... she'll cheer me up :)
[16&Feb&2007|03:32pm]
So, I heard this song last night and it just cracked me up! How true, I kept thinking to myself... and how foolish! LOVE ITTHERAPY lyricsJONATHAN AND SUSANSUSAN:Are you saying we can't talk?JONATHAN:Are you saying we are not talking?SUSAN:What are you saying?JONATHAN:What are you saying?I'm saying I feel bad, that you feel badAbout me feeling bad, about you feeling badAbout what I said, about what you saidAbout me not being able to share a feelingSUSAN:If I thought that what you thoughtWas that I hadn't thought about sharing my thoughtsThen my reaction to your reactionTo my reactionWould have been more revealingJONATHAN:I was afraid that you'd be afraid If I told you that I was afraid of intimacyIf you don't have a problem with my problemMaybe the problem is simply co-dependencySUSAN:Yes I know that now you knowThat I didn't know that you didn't knowThat when I said "No"I meant "Yes, I know" And that now I know that you knewThat you knew you adored meJONATHAN:I was wrong toSUSAN:Say you were wrong toJONATHAN:Say I was wrong aboutSUSAN:You being wrongJONATHAN:When you meant to say thatSUSAN:The ring was the wrong thing to bringJONATHAN:If I meant what I saidWhen I said rings bore meJONATHAN AND SUSAN:I'm not mad that you got mad that I got madWhen you said I should go drop deadJONATHAN:If I were you when I'd done what I'd doneAnd I'd do what you did when I gave you the ringHaving said what I said--- VOICE OVER VOICE ---JONATHAN:I feel bad, that you feel badAbout me feeling bad, about you feeling badAbout what I said, about what you saidAbout me not being able to share a feelingI thought you're gonna reacted shallowlyWhen I reacted to youI'm not madYou got madGo drop deadIf I were you when I'd done what I'd doneAnd I'd do what you did when I gave you the ringHaving said what I saidSUSAN:I feel badly about you Feeling badly about meFeel badly about youIf I thought that what you thoughtWas that I hadn't thought about sharing my thoughtsThen my reaction to your reactionTo my reactionWould have been more revealingI'm not mad that you got mad that I got madWhen you said I should go drop deadIf I were youBut I'm not youSaid what I said--- END OF VOICE OVER VOICE ---JONATHAN:BUt now it's out in the openSUSAN:Now it's off our chestJONATHAN AND SUSAN:Now it's four amAnd we have therapy tomorrowIt's too late to screwSo lets just get some rest.... you really gotta hear this one. MySpace Tick Tick Boom and listen to Therapy
[16&Feb&2007|12:52pm]
It's Friday again? Where does the time go? My life is flying by and I can't keep up! It's making me crazy. There are so many things I want to accomplish, so many things on my to-do list, and so many of these things are sneaking by undone. For example, SSWO book sale. Wicked bummer. Maria's huge birthday weekend... snuck up before I knew it. I don't even know what to do to manage my time any better, I do however have an extra free hour on Monday afternoons. CUH Kimberly.Nothing bad has happened today, but I have all this anger pent up inside of me. I can feel it welling up and I fear an explosion. Four more hours, I keep telling myself, four more hours...I had a meltdown on Wednesday night. Couldn't stop crying, full of emotions. Didn't fall asleep until early morning. Nightmares. A mess. All I kept saying was how badly I wanted to pack up and just move home... Maria overheard, didn't care enough at the time to talk to me about anything, but cared enough to leave me a note to wake up to. Marvelous. What a caring friend. She thinks I'm dramatic, so fine. I don't care at this point. At least I have feelings and I'm not afraid to talk about them or share them with people. I'm open with everything and if that makes me dramatic, or selfish, or bitchy - FINE! I don't really care, because there are so many people on this planet who keep everything to themselves and have all this pent up frustration and are completely submissive to everyone around them and I think that's worse! I truly do! Maria is that person, so afraid of confrontation. Well, maybe I thrive on it too much, but how can you judge one extreme when you're the other? Neither is good, a medium would be best, but who are you to judge me?! I wouldn't be able to live coming home each day knowing that so many people took advantage of me and that I just sat there and let them...WOW just went off on a tangent. SO, anyway, today is my valentine's day. Roy keeps saying that he goes all out, so I'm getting a bit anxious excited nervous. All I know is that we're not spending the night at the dorm... and that he might get us some liquor... lol sounds worse than I'm sure it is. I've really been doubting us lately, just stressed more than happy w but I'm not giving up easy, so call me stupid or foolish or whatever you want... it might all be true, but we'll have to see with time.Saturday night is Stacy's birthday surprise and KAJFLAJKS am I excited!! She's going to be so happy, I just know it, she's gunna cry tears of joy lol it's going to ROCK!!Last night I hung out with Rachael :) I called her around 5 and told her that I really wanted to get out of the dorm and she pulled through for me. It was all a little chaotic and rushed, but she picked me and Kim up and we went to see Tick Tick Boom OMG amazing! It was a small little room with folding chairs set up, so sketchy and freezing cold, but the band bROCKed! LMAO and the acting was exceptional. PLUS, the traveling broadway cast of Rent was there and I got to sit next to them! :)!! How cool... totally not a theater geek, but I wish I was. :PSo on Sunday I might go with Roy to see Rent. That would be cool awesome fab.So, there's a lot of good good good and baddddddd in my life right now. Kimberly actually just called me and SHE cancelled our appointmet! Wow I think that's a sign.Signing off.... KRIZZLE :P
[13&Feb&2007|11:18pm]
Last night after posting, I decided that I needed to go for a walk. Seeing as I've been on an Iron & wine spree, I brought them with me and headed out. I didn't make it across the street when I felt someone behind me. Part of me was angry because in the midst of my breakdown, a huge part of me wanted to be alone... another part of me was happy, figuring it was Roy and he had been wonderful earlier in the night when I had needed him. Well, it wasn't Roy, it was Kei. He asked if he could join me and I said yes, we walked in silence for a while but upon reaching Fletcher Lawn we sat down and started talking. It was nice to talk about things that didn't matter, like dream houses, cars, pets, our ideal futures. Tate, hah. I wish I could say that this took my mind off things, but it didn't. I wanted so badly to cry again. Put on my headphones and drown out the world for as long as I could. We walked back to the dorms.Twenty minutes later, a knock on my door. Kei had come back, wanting to play cards. We sat on the floor for two hours playing speed and it was the first time all day that my mind was occupied with something other than sadness. It was great.I went to bed at two am and fell right to sleep...It wasn't a night full of rest though. Nightmares kept me from a good night's sleep. I jumped awake several times and had to calm myself down before dozing off again. When ten am came, I couldn't get up. I skipped my STP class for the third time this semester and didn't wake up again until one pm. By this time, I felt completely depressed, but I forced myself to get up and get some work down. SSWO is driving me insane. Just thinking about it now filled my body with tension and anger. It is so unorganized, there is no order to anything! Everyone thinks that they know everything and heaven forbid they listen to something that their only underclassman member has to say. GOSH! The book sale is supposed to be (key words) next week and we are completely unprepared. I really don't even have time to worry about it this week, on top of two exams and two papers, a retreat, thirty hours of work, and the seventeen credit hours I convinced myself I could manage.There are good things though! (sort of!) Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! Isn't that lovely? Roy and I aren't doing anything because school is important, and I'm kind of glad that he made that decision because it will force me to get some of my work done when I would have put it off. Damn, where are my priorities? Oh yes, that's right, not in order. Working on it though ---It's already 11:30, I'm trying to stay awake until midnight so I can go over to Roy's and at least give him a "valentines kiss" or something? I really don't know...I found out today that my gma is going in for surgery on Thursday. It was super nice for my mom to throw that in at the end of our conversation. "Mom, I've gotta go" "Oh, well pray for your gma on Thursday" Great! A nine hour surgery, not sure exactly why, but she's super old and that's why there is such a high risk factor. Trying not to think about it too much though. I'm not all that close with her... and she lives in SC... but she still sends cards for everything, and life will be a little less bright without her.All of this just makes me think of Sandi. It's weird, there have been several people in my life pass, Uncle Warren, Gma Audrey(and I still cuddle with her blanket on bad days) and they were both a part of my life forever, but I actually had a friendship, a bond because we wanted to, not a family bond. Her death took the biggest toll on me than anyone else's had... I still have her obituary hanging on my wall. I kick myself every now and again for not trying harder to get in touch with her before it happened. I still have that card that I bought and never sent, "Get well will ya, there's not many people in this world that I like." WHY didn't I send it?!!Random, but just popped in to my head, I am so angry at Topher. We went out for dinner tonight and when his dad called he made a big deal about "I wouldn't take calls from anyone other than him when I'm out with you" shortly thereafter, "hey crystal!" cuh. I wouldn't even care if he didn't make it a point to say what he did. THEN he goes on to let her pick out a place for us to have dinner, MEXICAN?! He knows how picky I am... cuh! Then, after saying he wanted to go to a place to sit down and be served, we went to Wendy's!!! WTFm? THEN he makes plans to go to the pool hall with Crystal. Okay, did we not just finish talking about the test he has on Thursday? And how he needs to make school his number one priority?? I called him on it and that didn't go very well...Last night, after everything, I sent a really deep email to Lola. It was weird being that honest with her because she is so young, but I know how mature she is and that she would want to know everything that I said. I felt good afterwards, but I was hoping to hear back from her and I never did. I hope she's doing okay- there have been things she's written, whether in emails, or myspace, that have me very concerned about her well being.Should I quit SSWO? What about SOLs?Those are the kinds of thoughts I've been having...Alright, going to try to unwind, do some reading and wait for midnight.EDIT: 2/14/07 1:54amSecond night in a row up at two in the morning... don't know what my problem is. I did slip up today and have soda and chocolate after five, maybe that's why?I went over to Roy's at midnight trying to be cute because technically it is valentine's day now. I spent four hours making that stupid card instead of just doing hw or studying and then he acts all strange. I just wish I knew why... if I did something wrong or if there was someone there or something, all I ask from anyone is the truth and I always end up sitting here wondering what it is... he didn't even say happy valentine's day. It's going to be another bad one, I can tell already and we're only two hours in... work at ten am... already don't want to go.I'm getting to be at the point where all I want to do is lay in bed. Remember freshman year of high school, and spring semester of junior year, and spring semester of freshman year in college... I shut myself off from the world. Lay in bed all day with the door locked and lights off, hating life, hating myself, wishing I were dead, wondering why I bothered.From Rent-ROGER: I've been trying I'm not lying. No one's perfect I've got baggage MIMI: Life's too short, babe, time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.ROGER: I should tell, you- MIMI: I've got baggage too.
[12&Feb&2007|10:38pm]
I woke up at 6:30 this morning with him lying next to me and my first thought was "I think you're incredible" I didn't say it, because it didn't seem like the right time, but boy did I feel it. It probably happens once a day, when I think to myself that this isn't real, that there's already so much baggage and fights that we're not going to be happy but then I get a text from him or see him and all of those doubts escape me instantly. It has been such a long time since I've had feelings like this for anyone, and I refuse to let go of that for anything. Typically, I would have walked away from these fights long ago... but he seems worth it. Could I be getting caught up and trapped in another boy's lies? Possibly, but I'll take my chances.If only my days continued to be as good as they are in the morning when I first see him, but I'm not that lucky. I worked in TRiO today from 9-2 and it's a great job. The people I work with are so fun and kind, and the work itself is a piece of cake. My 2 o'clock class was a killer- I hate that class anyway because the teacher, although a great guy, cannot teach worth a damn! Normally, I spend an hour and fifteen minutes texting, day dreaming, or doodling... but today I was distracted from even that. Roy's ex Sarah is in that class and with all of the things I read in his el jay, I can't help but look at her differently than I used to. It's possible that there's a little bit of jealousy there, nothing that I'd ever speak up about because it's ridiculous, but I can't help but look at her and wonder how/why she is better than me.I was ready to leave that class before it had even begun, but I forced myself to stay the entire time... then I had my weekly meeting with Kimberly. Up until today, it had been going well. I felt like I could talk to her and we had plans for progress, I had hope... so today, I confided in her things I wouldn't tell just anyone, and this is how it played out: I'm not only selfish, but also manipulative. GeeThat gave me a lot to think about. I spent the next 3 hours alone trying to calm myself down. It's so scary to me, how you can have this image of yourself that you're happy with but outsiders can see you a completely different way. What's the point of trying if you're not even percieved the
way you want to be? It doesn't make me feel good to run myself in to the ground each day trying to make every person that I come in contact with happy, but I do it anyway because I thought it made other people feel good - apparently I was wrong and all it made people think was that I was selfish and needed to do everything for attention or something? I really don't fucking know, but it pushed me over the edge. OKAY, I have a problem... I needed to be needed. Tell me one person who doesn't?? I've had this conversation with myself before, in the context of social work, you can't be a social worker and expect to carry people... you gotta be their crutch until they are able to walk on their own and then you LET THEM! I'm still working on that...The one thing Kimberly said that made any sense or applied to me AT ALL was that LIFE GOES ON! I have such a hard time accepting that. It's almost as if I want people to fail without me, or at least miss me enough for it to have some affect on their life. Example, LCRHA. Initially, when I left, I was waiting for the club the crash and burn... that way I would know that I was needed for them to succeed. Needless to say, they didn't fail. I turned that into them not needing me. WHICH in actuality, is NOT true. Without me, would the scavenger hunt have been a success? Would the constitution ever have been written? I helped with all of that, and I should just be proud of myself but it is so damn hard!Another, EVERYONE in MA. Honestly, I get so pissed when I go home and no one even cares that I'm there. I've said it a hundred times and I'm going to say it once more (and then NEVER again) just to get it out of my system and verbalize how i SHOULD be looking at it. On Christmas, Kiera said to me "what do you want me to do!? Take three days off of work for you!?" my reply? "I took three weeks off of my LIFE for you!!"...............Yeah. Kiera is the most amazing person in my life. She is the best friend that I could ever ask for and I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. She is funny and knows how to cheer me up. She's the only person who shares my love of gossip and who speaks eejit fluently. GOSH I just love her with everything I've got. It hurts so bad for me to be away from her....but I'm living without her.And that's the point I'm trying to make to myself. Life goes on. It's hard, it's going to hurt like fucking hell sometimes. But as humans, we just keep living... we hurt for a while, but it gets easier and easier... it probably hurt Kiera just as bad as it hurt me when I first moved, but she's living without me (sort of, we still talk 24/7) and I should just be happy that she's happy. We're still best friends, and will always be.I also had a wicked harsh realization today. I'm JUST like my father. I have this FUCKED up notion of what strength is. Up until today, my idea of strength was not showing anyone that you can hurt. Not showing sadness. That doesn't make you strong!! Why did I think that way???? Because of him. PLUS, as I've known forEVER, I get my work drive from him... fucking workaholic and I'm exactly like him.All of these things were running through my head for hours, I fell asleep for a little while and when I woke up things were worse. The sun had set, my room was motionless, dark, silent. I felt so alone, so small and scared.Roy brought me back to reality. I'm so thankful for him. I know that recently I've probably been really hard to live with, but he's been there for me and supportive and I couldn't ask for any more. From here, all I can hope is that I'm able to be the same for him and that little things stop getting in the way. This could be something really good.Here's to a better week, pray for me."I'm both happy and sad - and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be" -PERKS
[11&Feb&2007|04:58pm]
For over a month I've been saying how evil MyS the gossip and drama, the snooping, and of course the misinterpretation. So, after saying "I HATE MYSPACE!" for the 935235 time in one conversation, Kiera signed in to my account and changed my password. GAH! LOL I think it might be a good thing... but at the same time I'm having withdrawals already!So, since I no longer have access to MySpace, I'm guessing that I'll average an extra 2-3 hours every day to devote to other things. Today I spent most of that time talking to old friends from MA, that was really nice. Being on weekend duty sucks, there's so much that I want/could be doing but I'm stuck! At least we have a clean bathroom!!Checked the schedule though- and this weekend was my last one until APRIL! AND Roy and I leave for Florida in 27 days :) I'm super excited about that because even though things have been rocky the last few days, I want this so bad and I'm willing to fight to make it work. It has been a really long time since I've been in a relationship that mattered to me this much, and how amazing it will be to relax for a week 353232 miles from this place with him. Awesome!&3That's pretty much all that's going on today. Haven't heard from Kev in about a week. I had called him on Friday to talk and he didn't answer. Things with Danielle must be better. Hm, good for him I guess. Just wish he was able to be my friend, with or without her, but it's a cruel game that he'll probably always try to play.Mondayyyyyy hurry up and get here!!!! The sooner Monday comes, the sooner next weekend gets here and I can't wait for next weekend because it's Stacy's Bday weekend!! WHICH MEANS (on top of awesomeness) that MARIA'S birthday weekend is getting close!! AHHHHHHH so excited.That's all I'm going to write for now, decided that starting today I'm going to write in this every day, kind of stealing the idea from someone I know.
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