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第三章对学前儿童的认识和理解
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你可能喜欢　　How do parents explain death to a preschooler?　　By Meghan Leahy April 20 at 8:00 　　Q The grandfather of one of my son’s preschool classmates died a few months ago. Our family is fortunate in that we have not experienced the death of a loved one since our children have been born, but his classmate’s experience has really stuck with my son. He didn’t mention anything about it for months after it happened but recently has been revisiting the idea of death and is worried that my husband or I will get old and die. (Interestingly, he has not asked whether his own grandparents, to whom he is very close, will die.) He tells us that he can’t stop thinking that he will also die. I have tried to normalize his thoughts for him, as I realize this is a huge concept that kids try to make sense of around his age. I reassure him that we are fortunate to have healthy bodies and should live a long time. I’m just wondering what else I can say to acknowledge his feelings but also calm his mind. I’m particularly sensitive to this because I recall worrying constantly about death for a stretch of my childhood, and it was very consuming. I also want to reassure him that we really have no reason to be worried about death in our family right now, but if (God forbid) something happened unexpectedly, I would never want him to feel I had lied to him. So complicated, isn’t it? Also, we are not religious, so we don’t have any default responses to what happens when we die. Any advice is much appreciated. 　　父母怎样向学龄前儿童解释死亡现象　　梅根 莱西
4月20日 8:00　　问题的由来：几个月前，我儿子幼儿园的一个同学的爷爷去世了。自从我的儿子出生以来，我家所幸没有经历过一个最爱的人去世的事件，而他同学家的经历让我儿子受到很大震动。那事发生后的几个月他一直没提及有关死亡的事，直到最近他重新提起这事，并担心我和我老公会变老会死亡。（有趣的是他从来没提及他最亲近的祖父母是否会死亡。）他告诉我们他不禁会想到他自己也会死亡。在引导他的思路回归正常这方面我已经尽力了，因为我知道对于他这个年龄段的孩子，这是一个十分巨大的概念。我安慰他说我们很荣幸拥有健康的身体，我们还可以活很多年呢。我还是担心我能用什么其他方法去开导他的思路并安慰他的心情。我对这事特别敏感，因为我经常回忆起我儿童时代也有过一段对死亡不断忧心的经历，那是一种很强烈的担忧。我也采取过另一种方法去安慰他，说在现阶段，我们这个家庭没有任何理由去担心某个成员会死亡，即使有（进入了上帝的禁区）什么意外事故，我也不会抛下他去死亡。这样的理由很难懂，不是吗？此外，我们是无神论者，对于死亡后会发生什么，我们没有任何违约责任。因此任何建议都值得欣赏。　　A Let me begin by reassuring you that it is very normal for children this age to begin to worry about death. And you sound as if you are highly attuned to your son and his feelings. I wish more parents cared about the interior worlds of their children. So, let’s make sense of this. 　　Although you don’t give your child’s exact age, I am guessing he is about 4. This is around the age that many children become aware of death. 　　首先我要让你放心的是这样年龄段的孩子担心死亡是一种正常的现象。你好像非常了解你儿子的感情，我希望更多的父母关心他们儿子的内心世界。因此，让我们来谈一谈这方面的话题。　　尽管你没有把你孩子的具体年龄告诉我，那我就假设他四岁把，因为这个年龄段的孩子容易担心有关死亡的话题。　　[10 ways to help kids fall in love with being outside] 　　All things being equal developmentally, a 4-year-old is just beginning to truly understand the finality of death. This can be terrifying because 4-year-olds are very attached to their family and having an identity with their family. What do I mean? Well, typical 2- and 3-year-olds say things such as, “This is MY mommy and MY daddy and MY doggy.” Sharing is hard, and preschoolers’ ownership of their family can be intense. This connectio can you imagine what preschoolers would do if they were not deeply connected to their caretakers? Healthy emotional maturation would not take place. 　　So, a 4-year-old is beginning to become his own little man. He is beginning to recognize more of his own impulses. He has opinions, and he likes to tell his parents about them. He wants to be heard and seen. He wants to matter, and he wants to matter to his caregivers. 　　Therefore, when someone dies in this preschooler’s orbit, the boy is shaken. “Wait. His grandfather died. My grandfather could die. My father could die. My mother could die. I COULD DIE.” 　　【帮助孩子爱上独立自主的十种方法】　　所有条件都是在相同的情况下平衡发展的，一个四岁的孩子刚刚该开始真正了解死亡是人的最终结局。这可能是十分可怕的，因为四岁的孩子对他们家庭的依赖性和一致性都很强烈。这话是什么意思呢？是这样的，例如，二到三岁的孩子会说出诸如“这是我的妈妈，这是我的爸爸，这是我的狗狗。”这样的话。很难让人分享，学龄前儿童对他们的家庭的所有权意识很强。这需要极强的归属性；如果不让一个学龄前儿童与他的看护人保持密切的联系，你能想象到会发生什么吗？就不会成长为一个情感健康的成年人。　　因此，四岁的孩子正在开始成为一个自我的小男人，正在开始认识他自己的更多冲动力，他有了自己的观点，并且常常把自己的观点告诉父母。他想看想听，他想考虑问题，想考虑他看护人的问题。　　这样，当有人在孩子学龄前期间去世，在孩子的意识中就产生了震动。“什么！他的爷爷死了？那么，我的爷爷也会死，我的爸爸也会死，我的妈妈也会死。我也会死。”　　A preschooler (usually) has only a couple of adults in his life to whom he is deeply connected, his parents being the most obvious. He is going to feel his fears by way of priority of attachment. And while it is upsetting to hear that he is worried about dying, I am pleased he is telling you. Why? Because feelings that move out of the mind take up less space. So keep normalizing them. 　　Some children connect to the big idea of death quickly, and some children do not. The more sensitive the child, the more acutely the child is likely to feel the threat of death, and your son sounds quite sensitive. 　　一个学龄前儿童生活中通常只有两个与他联系最紧密的成年人，显然就是他的父母。如果缺失了父母，他就会感到恐惧。然而当听说他对于死亡感到担忧的时候，我却为他能把担忧告诉你而感到高兴。为什么呢？因为情感发泄出来后就会减少精神压力，这样就能保持正常思维了。　　有的孩子很早就考虑死亡这样的大问题了，而有的孩子却不这样。对于死亡认知越敏感的孩子，死亡认知对他们的威胁就越剧烈，你的儿子显得十分敏感。　　How can you bring rest to this little boy? Begin by separating your own story from his fears. You state that you battled this same fear of death and that it was “consuming.” Your brain, without realizing, is attaching to his fears and saying: “Oh, boy, here we go. This is going to get real bad.” This kind of worry keeps our parenting mojo frantic, panicked, reactive and overly alert to bad stuff. Anything seemingly bad that you see from your son feeds your childhood story. It keeps going on an alarm and anxiety loop between you and your son. Not only does this hurt your son, but it also keeps you highly agitated.
　　Journaling, getting therapy, finding a good coach or walking with a friend who is a good listener can help you separate your story from your son’s story. And this will be a good practice for your whole life. If you are highly sensitive and your son is highly sensitive, you are likely to charge each other up with worries. You are responsible for your feelings and emotions, so go ahead and begin this practice now. 　　怎样才能让这个小男孩平静下来呢？应该从把你自己的经历与他的担忧区分开来这方面着手。你或许告诉他你曾经也对死亡这样的事担忧过，并且比他更加“强烈地”担忧过。你没有意识到你的大脑依附在了他的担忧上说：“哦，孩子，咱们走吧。情况有可能会更加糟糕。”这样的担忧使得我们的育儿方式持续混乱、恐慌、无效并且对坏的结局过度警惕。你从儿子身上看见的任何似乎不大好的东西都可以成为你的童年故事的素材。你的童年故事可以成为一种警戒和渴望在你和儿子之间循环。这不仅仅会伤害你的儿子，同时也会让你处于高度的躁动之中。　　写日记，探索解决方法，寻求好的指导或和一个乐于倾听的朋友散步都可以把你和儿子的事分散开来。这将是你终生受益的好方法。如果你和儿子都处于高度敏感状况，那你们就会相互充电，相互充入忧虑。你应该对你的感觉和情绪负起责任来，因此，你应该首先采用这种方法。　　Another way we can bring rest to your son is to stop reassuring him that everyone is healthy and not going to die. While this is lovely and I pray remains the case, the truth is that we know that healthy people die. 　　Am I telling you to say to your preschooler: “Well, we could all die at any minute. Literally. ANY MINUTE. No matter how healthy we appear to be”? 　　No. 　　我们可以提供的另一种能让孩子平静的方式是：不再用‘人人都健康，不会死’这样的话去安慰他。虽然这一方式有可爱之处，我也祈祷这样的方式奏效，但事实上我们却知道也有健康人死亡的例证。　　“是啊，我们所有人任何时刻都可能死亡。从字面上理解，任何时刻，无论我们表面上显得多么健康。”我是在让你告诉学龄前儿童这样的话吗？　　不是。　　I am simply saying you should refrain from giving him evidence to stop feeling his fear. When we constantly reassure someone to not feel an emotion, we are essentially saying: “Your feeling is not valid or wanted here. You are making me uncomfortable. Stop.” 　　In reality, he has a right to feel afraid. Death is scary, even for those who think that they know what is going to happen. Children never want to lose their parents. Even adult children. So, you can’t normalize his feeling of fear while also providing evidence that no one he loves will die soon. These two statements are in opposition to each other (especially in intention) and will only further confuse your young son.
　　I feel as though I am being hard on you, and I don’t want to be. I simply want you to “parent” a little less. Be less of a fixer and more of a listener. Be more of a mirror to him by reflecting his emotions, while also strongly saying: “No matter what, love never dies. My love for you never goes away.” Communicate more through presence than words. And yes, you can say that “our family is good and healthy,” but don’t expect him to hold fast to that.　　我只是在说你不必再为了让他不害怕而提供证据了。当我们不断地安慰某人使他不再产生情感的时候，我们实际上是在对他说“你的感觉在这里是不合时宜，是无效的。你让我感到不舒服了，别这样了。”　　实际上，他是有权利感到害怕的。死亡是恐怖的，即使那些明明知道即将发生的事的人也会感到恐怖。孩子们不愿意失去他们的父母，即使是接近成年的孩子也是这样。因此，即使你证明了他所爱的任何人不会很快死亡，也无法让他对死亡的恐惧感觉恢复正常。在两种断定是相互对立的（特别是在内涵方面）只会使得你年幼的儿子更加困惑。　　我感觉我好像对你过于苛刻了，其实那不是我的本意。我只是想让你在培养孩子方面少一点儿怜爱。少当一点儿裁判员，多当一点儿倾听者。在对他说“无论发生什么事，爱不会消失。我对你的爱，永远不会消失。”的同时，多以他的情绪所反应出的状况作为镜子让他自己去审视。与他沟通的时候多用行动少用语言。是的，你可以对他说“我们的家庭美满又健康，”但是，别希望他能很快理解你的话。
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　　小时候没有独立生活能力，对大人的依赖性极强。看见别的大人死亡了，更担心自己失去依靠，所以对死亡产生恐惧。估计这是人人都有过的经历。
　　也就是说人生该经历的事都得让孩子去经历，让他在实际经历中增加面对世界的力量和勇气，首先是勇气。
　　So complicated, isn’t it? Also, we are not religious, so we don’t have any default responses to what happens when we die. Any advice is much appreciated. 　　这样的理由很难懂，不是吗？此外，我们是无神论者，对于死亡后会发生什么，我们没有任何违约责任。因此任何建议都值得欣赏。
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